’Tis the season of bright lights, good tidings, joy and gatherings — even though it is 2020 and they won’t be exactly the same for anyone. But if you’re in a season of mourning, the lights may dim in your darkness, there is likely silence from those who aren’t sure what to say, and messages from others of how you “should” be feeling. Celebrations continue around you and photos appear on social media, all while you find it difficult to find anything to feel except your pain, anything to see except your loss.
Whether you are coping with a death, divorce, relationship break-up, job loss, or other significant bereavement, you will grieve. And the holidays just remind you even more intensely that your life has changed.
Coping is an interesting word, I find. It implies more than surviving — at least a step more. We start actually figuring out how to deal with challenges we encounter, and we do so in a manner that is thoughtful and in the least, adequate. Perhaps it means we can successfully rise to the occasion and manage through, even if it is a struggle on some level.
So, how do you cope with loss during the holidays? Here are 7 strategies I have learned:
1. Know your “no.”
You don’t have to be the life of the party or even attend it – online or in person. Give yourself permission to “be” in a stage of grief that simply isn’t ready. If your friends and family do not understand, they haven’t experienced what you are going through, and that’s okay, in fact that’s good. And, it’s okay to not do what’s good for everyone else. Do what’s good for you. What do you believe you need right now? Say yes to that and no to the rest.
You empower yourself when you recognize and claim your power of choice and honor your personal limits. Don’t be pressured to do what others believe you “should” be doing right now.
2. Give yourself permission to grieve on your own timeline and in your own way.
Remember it is a process and not an event, so there is no set time to start or end, no right way or wrong way. You will learn there are better ways than others, but take the pressure off. Just be careful of the temptation to numb your pain with “over” behaviors like drinking, eating, shopping, netflixing, working, etc. Obviously, some are more detrimental to health, some to finances, some to productivity, and all to life balance.
3. Limit your social media exposure.
Why pour salt onto an open wound? If seeing smiling faces rockin’ around the Christmas tree reminds you of what you will not have in your life this year, don’t look! While we are all happy for others, if we are mourning, too much of their good thing can keep us stuck in thoughts of our bad thing. Know that this time will pass; eventually your wound will become a scar if you nurture it and allow it to heal. Once it has, you will be able to celebrate others without being vulnerable to inflicting more pain on yourself.
4. Choose a holiday tradition that you have always enjoyed and do it!
Don’t lose more than you already have. Maintain what is sentimental and special for you and let go of the traditions you never enjoyed anyway. You may get emotional; have some tissues and chocolates on hand. It’s okay.
5. Create new traditions.
Life has changed! The realities of the holidays have changed. You may find yourself also grieving the loss of a tradition, just as you are grieving the
loss of a relationship, a dream a “how it was supposed to be.” Rather than feeling like you are missing out or dreading something, what can you do differently and embrace it as a “new” tradition in your new reality? Is there something that you always wanted to do and haven’t?
6. Take care of yourself.
Physically. Mentally. Spiritually. Move your body, challenge your mind, feed your spirit. Perhaps past holidays were busy and a bit like seasonal fruitcake – a little bit of everything thrown in together! Take a real “holiday”; the Old English origin of the compound word holiday is holy + day, so perhaps dismissing the commercialism and frantic scheduling that may have been part of your previous experience and reconnecting to the core
meaning of the season for yourself just might offer a much needed time of reflection, relaxation and renewal.
7. Forgive yourself and others.
If someone hasn’t experienced what you are going through, they likely will not know what to say or say the wrong thing with all the right intentions. Remember that anything anyone says or does, doesn’t say or doesn’t do, is about them, their fears, their insecurities, their beliefs. Try to accept it as such. Forgive them in your heart and mind, and while you are at it, forgive yourself for whatever expectation you had of you that you haven’t been able to meet just yet.
Remember that you are going through a time of mourning. You will arrive at the other side where healing, acceptance and living continues. Keep facing forward, looking to the future. You will know when you are ready for the next step. However, if you feel stuck in grief and pain, your life is being adversely affected, you desire to move forward but can’t seem to find the way, reach out — that just may be the next best step for you.
My wish for all of you this holiday season is that while you embrace your grief, you also wrap yourself in hope.