Dear Annie,
I find myself in a pickle and would love your thoughts and advice. I will be the Matron of Honor for a friend who served as mine three years ago. Life has taken us down different paths, and we have not been close in these past few years. I settled into married life and have become a mother; she focused on partying and living a carefree single life. Now that she is getting married and has asked me to be her Matron of Honor, I feel we don’t have anything in common. However, I said “yes.” When I began planning her bridal shower, she told me she would prefer a couples shower and was happy to accommodate the change in direction. I searched for, booked, and paid for a venue that would be conducive to hosting the more party-like atmosphere she implied she wanted. I also created and paid for the invitations. Now, she has come to me to say that many from her guest list have indicated they will not be in attendance as they find the location too far for their convenience and they want to be able to drink alcohol. In short, she wants to change venues.
When she contacted me, she did apologize and said she would pay me back for all the expenses I have incurred that are non-refundable. But Annie, my feelings are hurt. I do not know what to do next. Considering our different priorities, I feel like, after the wedding, I will never hear from her again anyway, so maybe I should bow out altogether. And besides, I do not want to be liable for people drinking. Her groom has found a location, so at least I do not have to do all that searching again. It seems it is no longer a shower and simply an excuse for another party.
What should I do?
Hurt in Huntsville, Alabama
Dear Hurt:
I hear your pain in your words and see it in your searching for reasons — aka excuses– to bow out. I understand. You have gone to a lot of effort and expense to create a lovely event to honor your friend, and she is asking you to now to change direction again. Not knowing her intentions, I cannot comment. I would imagine from your letter that she is feeling pressured to please others. Regardless, this is about you.
You said yes to being the Matron of Honor and have taken your responsibilities seriously. My question is this: what decision would honor your values more, quitting or accommodating?
We tend to want to run away or be confrontational when hurt. It’s the “fight or flight” survival instinct when stressed. Does it make sense to you that you would want to flee? Is this your “default” reaction to stressful, hurtful situations? I ask so that it brings your attention to it. The goal is to understand why you feel that way, then master your emotion and make a decision that aligns with your true nature. My gut instinct is that you will choose to have an honest and compassionate conversation where you share your disappointment after all the planning and, at the same time, express your support for her during this exceptionally trying and exciting time in her life. After all, you have been a bride and can understand the pressures and desires; in the end, it is about her happiness.
And yes, it is not only okay but also appropriate for you to request protection from any liability for yourself (and ultimately her) no matter the venue. It is also okay to accept having your expenses reimbursed. I am delighted to hear she thought that through and plans to do so.
I wish both you and your friend the best!
This article from from the 2022 editions of Inspirations For Better Living Magazine. Get your free 11 page preview today.