Have you ever found yourself caught up in emotions due to current and political affairs, and posted something on social media that started a swooping frenzy of biting, personal commentary? Or, perhaps you commented on a post that was clearly a personal attack on someone else? Maybe you have lost or ended a relationship because of your interactions with someone on social media? Ever stopped to think why you may be engaging in personal attacks on social media or why you are so easily pulled in?
If any of this is true for you, you’re certainly not alone. It seems many are at one another’s throats online.
A simple scroll through most anyone’s feed reveals that some people on social media are engaged in good. They work hard to inspire, support, and uplift others. Unfortunately, you also find some who appear to only post discouraging or negative comments targeting and attacking people instead of issues. All too often this kind of rhetoric is masked as humor and you’re meant to take it as a joke. But is it really?
For example, it has been all too-common for people to post jokes about political leaders’ and staff members’ appearance – hair, wardrobe, speaking abilities – or some other personal attack or criticism instead of calling out the real disagreement with the value, belief or policy represented. It seems being on “social media” gives some people a permission slip to regress in maturity and behave like a schoolyard bully. And yes, “children” learn what they live. We have lived with this for some time now.
Unfortunately, this experience has become normalized in recent years.
It’s not isolated to Republicans or Democrats, it’s Americans on both sides of the aisle leveraging personal attacks on social media at “his or her hair” or “his or her clothing” or “his or her speech” that really mask the true feelings beneath it. Instead of using their words to address differences of opinion, some people seem to be “ok” with making fun of others instead. Ironically, growing up in the Bible Belt, I’ve noticed some doing this also sit in Sunday pews and quote scripture condemning such behavior. Just because we see others do this — even “leaders” — do we deem it acceptable? And if so, why?
So, what’s going on underneath all of these personal attacks on social media?
The stressful nature of current affairs, including but not limited to the United States political division, the Black Lives Matter movement, and the COVID-19 pandemic has heightened emotions. For many people, what they put on social media reflects their feelings minus a filter. Instead of “thinking before they post,” many dive into social media full of anger and frustration. What they post speaks to the myriad of unprocessed emotions and like a child, and they are reacting to their feelings. The result is a rash of juvenile-like behavior where making fun of another simply to feel better about oneself is common and apparently acceptable. At least behind the protection of a computer screen and the optional alias commenters identity. Have we somehow become desensitized to it?
Regardless, this throw stones in any direction mentality is detrimental to the person throwing the stones. In fact, it is self-sabotaging behavior.
While it is normal to feel frustration, anger, sadness or worry about an issue based on your personal views and experience, directing your feelings into a behavior that violates your personal value system is an act against yourself. Ultimately, if your emotion is dictating your actions, you are no longer in control of your life. In fact, you are not leading your life. Your emotions – which are temporary feelings – are in the driver’s seat. And, emotions can put you on a crash course that can be difficult to come back from. Words are easily tweeted and posted, and not easily retracted.
When emotions run high, it is easy to let them out online.
The difference among those who act on their feelings is not how smart they are, how educated, or how affluent. The difference is how self-aware and emotionally “intelligent” (EQ) they are. Those who can process their emotions before acting on them simply have a healthy strategy to release the negativity (could be as simple as a deep breath), allowing the opportunity to choose a response instead. They have higher EQ, which is not the same as IQ. The power in that simple pause to breathe transfers the energy from the emotional side of the brain to the rational side. Once that happens, you can choose to do or not do something that would be very different than the emotionally driven reaction.
Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, says when emotions run high, they change the way our brains function by diminishing our cognitive abilities, decision-making powers and our interpersonal skills. Goleman says that by understanding and managing our emotions, we can become more successful in our personal and professional lives. He argues that EQ ultimately matters more than IQ.
Are your actions in alignment with your personal value system?
If the action you take is against your personal value system, it is self-sabotaging. For example, let’s look at the core value of ‘respect.’ Respect may be a high value for you if:
- You give it and expect to receive it,
- You teach it to your children and emphasize the importance of it,
- You are upset when you feel you have been disrespected in some way,
- You are sensitive to others including characters in films who show disrespect or are disrespected.
Now, if respect is a high value for you and yet you post, share, like or emoji on a post that is a disrespectful commentary or photo about a person, it is no longer about an issue or difference of perspective. It is now a personal attack — not only against the target of the post, but against yourself. Your core values are “who you are.” And, when you tear another down, you weaken yourself. The fabric of who you are just got a loose thread. What will tug on it and unravel you next?
The solution? Get back to basics.
1. Get reacquainted with yourself.
Define your value system. Live true to you. Hold yourself accountable to your own integrity. As you build self-awareness, you will intercept your actions, learn to process your emotions, and eventually challenge the thoughts that created the negative feelings in the first place. And, by all means, change your mood before you post! You can read more about this in this previous blog post https://skyviewcoaching.com/how-to-really-answer-this-question-who-are-you/
2. Take down your wall.
One stone at a time, if that is all you can carry. It is worth considering that there has been little face-to-face, in-person contact this past year. This may have contributed to the inability to see others as flesh and blood, human beings, rather than just symbols of an idea that we may disagree with. Let’s try to see one another again.
3. Get to know someone.
The part of human nature that seeks to identify with a group, the need to fit in, and to fear others who look, act or believe differently and treat them as outcasts and enemies has been the theme of many a conflict in life and film. The solution has always been spending time together, to get to know one another, and to find common ground. Then, we can make fair, amiable compromise.
Just like when we were kids, there will likely always be bully. Let’s not become or encourage him or her by engaging in personal attacks on social media. Instead, let’s tear apart the issues in the spirit of finding solutions. And one more thing, I highly recommend we all read or revisit the book, All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten by Robert Fulghum. Perhaps while we are at it, we could consider sending a copy to our elected politicians and opinion editorial journalists.