Dear Annie,
I am anxious about my grandson, who is 4-years-old, diagnosed with ADD, is likely under the ASD umbrella, and frankly, a handful. His parents are overwhelmed and not sleeping; they aren’t even taking care of the basics around their home. They also are not doing anything to get him the services he needs to make life easier for all of them. I often keep him two days per week and have noticed some behaviors that need addressing, like ripping his books and anything that is paper. My son and daughter-in-law are seemingly ignoring it, hoping everything will be normal! No one has said a word about it. I truly want to step in and take over for them, but I know it would be seen as control and judgment, even though all I want to do is help.
What should I do?
Sleepless in Sedona
Dear Sleepless,
I imagine you are concerned for your grandson and his parents. These are complex diagnoses, and it sounds like there are some associated challenging behaviors. Having raised a son with a similar background, I can tell you that it can be exhausting and overwhelming at times. Your worry about being controlling or judging in your efforts is also valid. Perhaps your worry, which is fear-based, came across that way. So let’s change how you show up!
I would encourage you to do three things:
Speak to and about your grandson favorably. In other words, point out everything he does well and focus on these things rather than the challenges. For example, tell his parents that you know one day that ADHD and ASD will pay off with the gift of hyper-focusing on what interests him. He will be a valued employee and contributor to something unique. Bless him and them with positivity about his future as you shift your perspective about his challenges into gifts. Notice him doing small things well.
Ask how you can best be of help to them. Let the parents be in control and in charge. Know that while you are not the decision-maker for him or them, you can be an influencer. When you “show” that you want to be helpful rather than needing to have control, it will be noticed and felt.
Educate yourself. Take it upon yourself to read, study, learn and observe opportunities and best practices for kids like him and their respective parents. As a loving grandmother, show an interest in his development. Rather than “take over,” share what you find of value without being attached to the outcome. In other words, they can take it or leave it. Do not then take their choice personally. Be sure to present it in a non-judgmental, supportive way. Perhaps something like, “When I babysat little Benji last week, I noticed he has a new habit of tearing paper. Have you also noticed this? I am curious if it has been or should be mentioned to his doctor? I’ve been reading about his ASD and found that tearing paper can be a ritual to calm anxious feelings. Have you learned about this, and how would you like me to handle this habit when taking care of him?”
Best wishes, Sleepless. This 4-year-old will be 14 before you know it. Help make your grandson a proud and confident teen by engaging in positivity with him and about him now.
This article from from the 2022 editions of Inspirations For Better Living Magazine. Get your free 11 page preview today.